My darkness…

I do not remember when you first showed up.  You have been with me for as long as I can remember.  You are certainly there in most of my memories.

For some time now I have been aware that you are always with me. Sometimes off in the background. I put as much distances as I can between you and I.  But when I stumble a bit, stay a little too still for a little too long, you catch up.  Closer sometimes than others. When you are closer I can feel you more.  When you get really close, when you catch up, you often interrupt me.

Sometimes you manage to even get in front of me.  When you do you block my vision, you block my way.  You make it hard for me to see where I am going.  You slow me down from getting to where I want to me.

When I first realized you were there I called you by a different name.  I labeled you with something different. With time I have come to realized you are me. You are my darker side, my darker memories, my darker thoughts, my darkness.  You are my other half. I am comforted by the thought that you use to be a lot bigger than my lighter side.

I use to think I could get rid of you, or at least pretend you do not exist. I have learn that when I leave you alone, ignore you, let you run around unattended you become more unruly. Like a spoiled child that does not get attention with the usual ways, you really pitch a fit to be noticed.  I think you worry that if you are left alone long enough you will vanish.  Truth is we both know if I could manage to leave you alone long enough you would grow very weak.  Because you have already.  You are weaker now than you have ever been.  You are tired.  I feel it often, sometimes I share in your tiredness.  You cannot catch up as easily.  You cannot hold on as strongly.  You cannot keep pace for as long anymore. You do not stay in front of me as long as you use to.
Maybe you are not my other half, maybe you are my reflection. Maybe I only notice you when I am stupid enough or brave enough to look in the mirror.  That mirror is, for a lack of a better word, my mind.  Maybe you are not smaller or weaker than you use to be, maybe I am brighter than I use to be.  I think maybe my reflection is better than it use to be.  I think the more I can sit quietly and look at you, the more I can stand to look at me, the more restful we become. The more I acknowledge that we do exist, that you are me, the clearer the mirror becomes.

You were given to me, given so much strength, from other’s darkness.  You grew strong before I realized what you were.  Maybe you were born from necessity. You stood guard while my light side found its way.  But I think you have done enough now and I understand you do not yet know how but I hope that one day you can rest quietly at my side while I vigilantly protect your existence. So, come sit with me, let us just breath and be.  Let us sit in the same place and acknowledge this all as it is. Embrace the truth.  I see you. I acknowledge that I need you because without darkness there is no light.  Without what was I cannot be what is.

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